The Joy of Knowing

Written by Danika Delello

 “God is my helper; the Lord is the sustainer of my life.” Psalm 54:4

When the Christians that I know go through trials, I hear many of them talk about how they find their comfort in the Lord. They tell me that even though their circumstances are painful, they find joy in having communion with Jesus. Even though their life might be in shambles, they feel hopeful and even happy because of His presence in their lives.

Just last week, my mom and I had this very conversation. She told me that even though her life is full of pain right now (largely due to my brother’s recent death), her close relationship with God brings her peace and joy.  I envy her. I haven’t felt that close fellowship with God in years. Since I started battling depression at age sixteen, I have hardly tasted what others describe as “sweet communion,” “close fellowship,” or “deep intimacy.” Words like “joy,” “peace,” and “comfort” hardly feature in a description of my walk with Jesus.

My spiritual walk does not look like green pastures, still waters, or visions of Jesus gazing at me lovingly. Instead, it looks like me trudging doggedly through earthly muck, one foot in front of another, day after day after day. Occasionally, I happen upon a brief oasis—a moment where I taste that close communion again and I feel the joy and peace that others talk about. Mostly, however, I just keep on keeping on. I do this, because despite my feelings, despite appearances, and despite circumstance, I believe in the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I believe that in spite all of my sin and failure, the God who made me loved me enough to die for me, and that one day, my sufferings won’t hold a candle to the radiant, burning glory that God is preparing for me.

That is enough for me. I keep pursuing God and walking His path, because I believe in His promises. I keep reading my Bible, whispering prayers, and going to church, day after day, the way I take my vitamins—not because I relish the taste, but because I am convinced that doing so is good for me.

I still envy my mom and every other believer who overflows with joy because they get to experience that fellowship. I still pursue that close communion and those feelings of closeness. I hope and pray that one day, I will taste His goodness daily.

Right now, the goodness I cling to is a goodness I cannot taste, see, or feel, but one that I know: God’s immeasurable goodness that took him to the cross and out of the grave for all who believe.

That is enough for me. I pray that it will be enough for each of you.

“I cry aloud to God, aloud to God, and He will hear me. I sought the Lord in my day of trouble…I will reflect on all You have done and meditate on Your actions.” Psalm 77

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